


daggers and roses and jewels (oh my!)

by da_vinky



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Everyone is a criminal, Jewel heist, Other, au where juno is also a thief, juno wears a dress (this is important to me), they're both snarky little shits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:47:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26736859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/da_vinky/pseuds/da_vinky
Summary: juno steel is incredibly good at what he does. so good, in fact, that he doesn't even realize ransom is better until it's too late.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	daggers and roses and jewels (oh my!)

**Author's Note:**

> i have been too inspired by the penumbra lately so here you go. also i don't expect anyone at all to read this but i just want it to be out there u know?? this fandom is so highly underrated and there needs to be more fanfic. love u have a fun time xx

i'm not a master of my craft.

far from it, in fact.

i'm deeply imperfect.

but i still manage to compete with the best, _dominate_ the best, even when i miss cues and leave fingerprints... even when i get distracted.

distractions don't happen often. i am constantly focused, especially in my line of work. one slip up and you've got the biggest and most powerful families siccing their biggest and most powerful henchmen on my kneecaps. it's better to just avoid it altogether. but then again... i'm only human, aren't i?

and what's more human than attraction?

my name is juno steel, and i was about to get smacked in the face with just how inevitable it really was. 

it all started with a jewel. the odysseian jewel, to be precise. yeah, you know which one i mean. the flashiest, shiniest most useless jewel in the galaxy. i've always wondered why people are so goddamn preoccupied with diamonds and pearls when you can pick up any old shiny stone on the street, but when i saw that jewel... i understood a bit. imagine the status of having something like that in your possession. you'd be famous overnight.

either way, i had just come from the gala droning on a few ballrooms away. as the music waltzed on, i took the opportunity to survey my surroundings. the room, at second glance, was less room and more greenhouse. climbing lattices of roses and ivy spanned the walls, tall potted plants in every corner. they had everything from dandelions to fanged crocus lilies. the air was pleasantly warm and smelled so sweet, and i couldn't tell whether that was the flowers or the fact that the biggest job of my life was going without a hitch...

god, rich people had too much time on their hands.

time to get this heist over with. i had practiced for months to be able to stand, let alone walk, in heels just for this, so i admit i enjoyed the sound of them clicking across the floor. my gown pooled around my legs, and i felt... handsome. dashing, dangerous, _elegant_.

my fingers were itching. it had been too long since i'd had a high stakes scenario like this. i had only just reached out towards the gem when-  _ crash _ . 

someone had broken a window.

fuck! there was nowhere for me to go... the room may have been huge, but it was also blissfully, _terrifyingly_ empty. i had no place to hide.

footsteps rushed towards me. shit, goddamn it...! i scrambled for a plan. there was no other way to leave besides the door i'd entered through, and someone was coming _fast_ down that hallway... finally, i grabbed the jewel and stuffed it in my pocket, praying i could talk whatever was coming down and get out in the five minutes it would take for security to arrive, now that i'd tripped the silent alarms. 

the doors flew open, and there stood a man. it was almost as if he didn't spot me for a minute. lucky, too, because he was beautiful and i was stuck like a deer in headlights.

i shook out of it fast, clearing my throat as delicately as possible. "sir? might i ask you what you're doing in here?" i asked, smothering my voice in syrup.

"i should ask you the same thing, sweetheart." he replied, eyeing me. "with a dress like that... you've come from the ball, haven't you? partygoer, or... wait. where is the jewel?"

sounds like he'd figured out i wasn't really an attendee. i dropped my pretense. "you're a smart one, although you should probably work on your timing." i sighed in faux sympathy.

"give it to me."

"damn, mister, you're blunt... i'll afford you the same favour. no."

"i'm doing  _ you _ a favour by being so understanding right now, darling. give me the jewel."

i could believe him on that one. this man was dressed to kill, possibly literally. skintight black leather, sheaths filled with knives i'd rather not test the efficiency of. he even had a knife strapped to his goddamn thigh! i really and honestly did _not_ want to mess with him.

but... if i valued my bones… i had to. 

"look, you're cute. too cute to have to punch. you can steal it later! i take it now, you swoop in when it's all safe and sound somewhere else. we'll take turns, how about that?" i replied, grinning lopsidedly. "besides, ladies first, right?"

"you're testing my patience. don't make me take it from you, i might mess up your pretty face."

"i'd like to see you try."

"no, you wouldn't." he told me matter of factly, advancing on me until he was right in front of me, his hand resting on the pedestal behind me. "give me the jewel."

i couldn't give it to him. "are we about to kiss right now?" i teased.

my concentration was slipping, i could already tell. his eyes were so... searching. there was obviously no question in his mind as to whether or not i had the jewel... it was about where. something about his confidence just... threw me.

"if it will make you give up that jewel, then maybe." he said, eyeing me up and down. if he was trying to figure out my motivation, he wouldn't get anything. i'd spent years practicing my poker face, and i wouldn't let one pretty guy collapse everything i've built.

i'm one of the best, goddammit.

"it won't, but your lips are still enticing." i replied, leaning into him and praying he couldn't feel the gem through the folds of my dress. hey, maybe he'd just assume i was happy to see him. "every pretty pair of lips comes with an equally gorgeous name. what's yours?"

"you can call me ransom for the time being."

"is that your name?"

"no. did you expect truth? you've given me nothing so why should i give you anything? what's your name?"

"you can call me steel. for the time being, of course." i said, raising an unnecessarily cocky eyebrow. if he was distracting me, i was sure as hell going to try my hardest to distract him too.

he just scoffed, shaking his head. "look, _steel_ , we're both stuck here now. we both need that jewel and clearly neither of us are leaving without it... what do you propose we do about it?"

"gee... that's a toughie." i hummed, tapping a finger on my bottom lip. "might have to go home and think on it. now if you'd let me pass by..."

obviously he didn't fall for it. ransom put his free hand on the other side of the pedestal, sufficiently trapping me in. i had nowhere to look but right in his stupid, handsome face and no room to move except right up against his stupid, attractive chest. fuck. he could definitely feel the gem now, but couldn't reach it without allowing me enough time to escape... we were in a real catch 22.

and that's when i remembered the alarms.

guards would be swarming the place any second now, searching for the thief of their boss's most valuable possession, and the two idiots there to steal it were facing off with the gem right between them.

i had to make a decision, and fast, otherwise by this time tomorrow i'd be locked up in a prison with higher security than my emotions.

and so... i kissed him. it was a split second thing, one intended to distract and confuse so i could get away clean.

thinking back on it, there were definitely better ways to get out of there.

maybe i just wanted to kiss him.

but either way, i did, and it was great. his lips felt just as good as they looked, even if we were slightly rushed and desperate. i could barely think, barely move, barely remember why i had done this in the first place other than for the sake of kissing a pretty man, but then he let go of the pedestal to wrap his arms around my waist.  _ bingo. _

my route was clear. nobody ever had to know i was there except... him. and she didn't even know my full name. i was free.

i broke off the kiss breathlessly. "ransom... or whatever your name is... if you ever manage to see me again, call me, okay? we have to do this again sometime. maybe go for dinner? you're an excellent kisser." i winked, darting away before i could even see the expression on his face. thank god for learning how to run in heels. 

it might have been my imaginiation, but it sounded like he called my name. 

probably just the wind. 

the gala was still going strong by the time i returned, slightly disheveled and very winded. i smoothed down my gown, expecting that now-familiar bump of the jewel, but... nothing. frantically, i checked my pockets.

the odysseian jewel was gone.

how? i'd been watching him the whole time...!

shit. his hands around my waist, roving lower... i'd thought he was just... friendly. how had i not seen? me, the master of slight of hand? i cursed myself, making my way out onto the grounds.

the night was cool and calm. you could even see the stars, which was rare for a planet with so much light pollution. they were gorgeous, and yet all i could think about was that damn jewel... i was going to be in so much trouble.

my comms pinged. it was a picture of the gem in a black leather glove. another message came in.

_ \- 'ransom' xx _

there will always be someone better than you. you might be good. hell, you probably _are_ good. but there will always, _always_ be someone better. don't let them catch you by surprise.

i had a sneaking suspicion that wouldn't be the last time i heard of ransom the jewel thief.

well. suspicion might be too strong a word.

call it a hope.

but whatever you do, don't call it impossible. something told me he dealt with impossible on the daily.

and now... he had to deal with me.

look out, ransom.

i believe you owe me a date. 

**Author's Note:**

> this started as something that had nothing to do with them, but then i decided fuck it it's similar enough !! we can change some names around and if this gives my little rat brain some peace of mind... why the hell not !!


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